“Heroes, Villains, and Me” is a weekly article on Geeky KOOL about the world of comic books and my reaction to it. “Heroes, Villains, and Me” is not a comic book review article. I will write about current events, speculation and rumors, or my own wacky thoughts about the world of comic books.
Since I am writing this article, I have to admit it one of my comic quirks. I like weird characters and those with unusual powers. Sometimes I think the more lame the powerset, the more fun a character can be. I have always loved groups like the Mid Lake Avengers and the Legion of Substitute Heroes. I adore Ambush Bug and Squirrel Girl.
This is my list of the worst or most lame powers. I will give an example of a character with those powers.
10) Farting— Being able to expel nausea inducing gas from one’s hindquarters may be advantageous at times. But it is a terrible power to have.
Just ask Mystery Men’s The Spleen how he likes his power. He was cursed with this ability even though it did help save the day against Frankenstein Casanova. He is my only non-comic book hero. He was only in the movie: Mystery Men.
I think one of my college roommates may have had this power. He could sure clear out our dorm room. He appeared to do it on demand and even made it his daily greeting to me. If only he would have used his power for good instead of polluting our man cave.
9) Get People Sick— This ability is somewhat similar to the previous one. This is the power to spontaneously generate infectious disease. This can be an effect defense but who wants this ability. This would be a downer for interpersonal relationship.
Infectious Lass of the Legion of Substitute Heroes is the example of this power. She has little control over the Infection she spreads. She can’t control who she infects. She is a carrier of the various illnesses.
8) Jumping— We are not talking the awesome super jumps of early Superman or the Hulk. We are talking about jumping like a kangaroo or a grasshopper. It might be kind of fun to bounce around the backyard but does appear to help much when fighting crime.
An example from the Marvel Universe with this minor ability is the Kangaroo. He jumps really well. He is hard to catch because he jumps around. Don’t worry, the powers get even more lame.
7) Tar body–How about the great ability to excrete a tar like substance all over one’s body. The advantage- everything sticks to it. The disadvantage– dude you have tar all over your body. How gross is that. You would think bathing would be an issue. I can’t image attempting to personally bond with others because you will be really bonded.
Tar Baby from Marvel comics is the example of this horrible ability. Tar Baby is a terrible name for a minor X-Men character. For some reason, I am having images of Brier Rabbit and Brier Bear dancing through my head.
6) Detachable Arms– The power to remove my own arm or arms at will is the next power set. If the arm is muscular enough, you can use it as a club. What possible advantage would removing ones own arms and clubbing someone with it be? A wookie can rip off the arms of others and that could be beneficial but my own arms? I would break my arm if I tried to club someone with it. I would spend much more time working out the arms at the gym if I had this disappoint ability.
This character’s code name is Arm Fall Off Boy. What a great hero name- NOT. It perfectly describes this terrible power. At least, he will always be around to lend a hand or a whole arm.
5) Eat/Digest Anything–This ability would be great if you are a professional hotdog eater. It would enable you to digest cafeteria food and hot pockets without needing antacid. It is hard to stomach this power.
Here is another name that makes me shake my head. The Legion of Super Hero member (not substitute but a full member) is named Mater Eater Lad. He can eat any substance.
4) Color Changing– This power allows the user to change the color of anything. It might be a fantastic power for someone in the fashion industry. It doesn’t seem very helpful when stopping a bank robber unless the bad guy is afraid of not matching.
The Legion of Substitute Heroes has Color Kid as a member. He can manipulate the colors of things. This was once helpful when he save Superboy by changing the Kryptonite from Green to White. As helpful as that was, it was a once in a lifetime use of his abilities.
3) Super Ventriloquism– The ability to throw your voice over the course of miles and sound like someone else perfectly. A wonderful gift if you have a ventriloquism act. It might help in some form of espionage. It is not extremely helpful in a battle with super villains.
Superman had this ability during the Silver age (50’s through 70’s). He often used it as a way to mask his identity. This was an easy way around sticky plot holes. Out of all of Superman overabundance of powers and abilities, this was the lamest. This was time period where they continued to add pointless powers to Superman. I am so glad the rebooted (numerous times since then) doesn’t have this bad power set.
2) Talk to Fish– The ability to talk to fish and have them do your bidding the next power. The earth is 2/3 water but not too many villains are looking to control the sea. On the other hand, if you were a professional bass fisherman, then this gift would be golden.
The largest example of this lame power is Aquaman. Bryan tells me how awesome and powerful Aquaman really is. I have been told that he is as strong as Superman in the water. That is KOOL but his fish telepathy is awful and lame.
1) Turn to Water– In my opinion, here is the worst super power out there. There was stiff competition. But turning oneself into water is a terrible waste of having a power. We are not talking about being able to manipulate water or even ability move parts of your body back and forth in a watery state. But rather just turning oneself into water.
There is actually more than one character that can do this. But the example that jumps out to me is Zan of the Wonder Twins from the Super Friends. When Zan touches hands with his sister Jayna, they both can transform. Jayna was gifted with the KOOL power of changing into any animal form. But her brother Zan can only transform into water. He usually transformed into water that was carried in a bucket.
Conclusion
There are some powers that we left off our list. Here are a few: talking to squirrels; turning one body to a stone statute; Growing plants but not controlling them; Flying really slow; bouncing; splitting into two or three people; and many more. I feel our list of Ten stood out beyond the ones I left off.
What did you think of my list? What needs to change around? What did I leave off that is needed on the list?
